A question has been bouncing around in my head for a few weeks that has me down:
What is your biggest non-parenting accomplishment during your 30’s or 40’s?
I won’t bog this down with my personal frustration at my paltry answers; this is about using the question to focus on how grown men SUCK at really communicating with each other about insightful topics.
I thought about throwing this question out to a group of guys the other day, but flaked out. I assumed that, if I were to ask this question, one of two things would happen:
- A range of jokes would be made about how much better our mid-20’s were, or,
- The more in-tuned dudes in the group would understand the questions as me begging for compliments.
Both my trepidation to ask the questions and my assumption about how other guys might react are actually the reason that adult males suck at talking to each other about anything that might involve vulnerability. All too often, when these topics are brought up, guys seem to think that their buddy is begging validation, affirmation, or compliments rather than to simply get to know each other more broadly.
Now that I think about it; how well do I really know the guys I hang out with?
I know that they do for a living, love their children like they are my own, know their social interests, and can make fairly accurate assumptions about political party affiliations. All the surface level stuff I have covered. Other than that, though, do I know what makes them tick? Have I ever asked if they need help with anything? Hell, would I even feel comfortable asking my friends to sit down 1×1 to have coffee or lunch sometime?
Squarely in my mid-40’s, this bums me out as much as my inability to answer the question that triggered these thoughts in the first place. This becomes a commentary on me as much as the guys I surround myself with and, if left unchecked by the fact that I have it pretty good, can spiral into feeling lonely.
I get the sense that guys my age have their crew of friends, but often harken back to “old friends” for the real stuff – those high school buddies that knew us in our formidable years. It feels messed up that I’m more likely to reach out to an old friend that I see struggling on social media, but I am shy about offering help to a local buddy experiencing a sudden life change.
Yeah, middle aged men seem to suck at friendship stuff – at least the stuff that might not be so fun. I’ll throw myself firmly in the line of dudes that (unfortunately) act like more of an acquaintance than a friend more often than not.
I hope to get better at this – even if that makes me the sap of the guys’ night out.
And, who knows, maybe by virtue of a great run during the rest of my 40’s, I’ll be able to answer that lingering “non-parenting accomplishment” question with a blurb about this amazing group of close friends that will always have each other’s back.
But, for now, did I tell you about my 20’s? 🙂
