The Oscars are here and I have watched a grand total of ZERO of the nominated films. Many Good-Bad Dads are likely in the same boat. After all, finding the time to go to a movie is an unfortunate thing of the past. The endless popcorn refill bucket is now tucked away in the closet near my golf clubs.
In the spirit of Hollywood’s big day, I’ve created my own non-movie version of the awards that only parents might understand. I’m coining this recognition the “Dad-cademy Awards” – the “Daddy’s” for short.
Cue the curtain. Let’s start the show early – we have kids to get to bed soon!
For Achievement in Digital Effects, the Daddy goes to the creative genius behind Minecraft. The trance that kids enter when moving these boxy pixels around a tablet’s screen is nothing short of catatonic. Kids play this for hours with razor-like focus – a phenomenon similar to the Candy Crush coma for adults. If only there were a version that transcended to doing math homework.
For Achievement in Directing, the Daddy goes to Silento for the rhythmic song, “Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae).” The ability to teach kids, parents, teachers and grandparents a coordinated movement in a lively way wins best directing acclaim to me. A group moving in unison is no small feat – the only coordinated movements happening in my house are my wife and I simultaneously heading toward the wine bottle after the kids finally go to sleep.
For Best Cinematography, the Daddy goes to the marketing force behind the Chuck E. Cheese television ads. They have successfully created the angelic television dreamland “where a kid can be a kid.” This is a brilliant mirage based on my experience of the crowded, loud, expensive and germ-ripe real thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll likely be there again in a few weeks rationing my kids’ 1,000 tickets for a couple of pixie sticks at the rewards counter.
For Achievement in a Supporting Role, the Daddy goes to the ‘Hangover’-esque front child carrier that has become socially acceptable for dads to wear in public. No matter how ridiculous the fashion statement, the ability to have an infant held in front while keeping my hands free is invaluable with multiple kids. With the added bonus of hiding my dad-belly, this device is a runaway.
For Achievement in a Leading Role, the Daddy goes to users of the “kid-leash” – not because connecting a toddler to you via a backpack is comfy (or really even publicly acceptable) but because of the unquestioned vibe of leadership that using one radiates. Any dad breaking out these whiplash devices would scuff at my style – my kids are generally in charge of setting my course and not vice versa. (By the way, I have a patent pending for the kid version of the “invisible fence.” HA!)
For Best Picture, the Daddy must go to any kiddie artwork gone wrong. My favorite is pictured below – the Home Depot shovel salesperson mistakenly pictured as a pole-dancer.
In my house, similar portraits could include: the pictures captioning “My parents drinking beer and wine” or “My Dad yelling at the dog because he pooped on the floor” or, best yet, the picture of an airplane flying into a storm that fit the Supreme Court’s definition of pornography.
Drop the curtain, turn down the lights.
As the evening sets in, it is now nearing the bewitching hour for kids everywhere. As the real stars take to the red carpet, GBD’s will be starting their bedtime routine.
There is no after party for the Dad-cademy Awards, only the normal Good-Bad Dad goal of doing it all over again tomorrow.