Sports parents LOVE their kid-athletes.
Kids LOVE playing on the field with their friends.
Coaches, clubs, and programs LOVE to see their athletes succeed.
Sports, at least at the beginning, are all LOVE.
This overwhelming sense of LOVE exists at all levels, in every type of sport – from butterfly-chasing tee-ballers to travel ball showcase-ers trying to impress a college coaching staff to earn a scholarship.
And, it’s this collective view the LOVE of kid and sports that brings many of us parents together – at the soccer pitch, at the baseball diamond, football field, wrestling mat, or at the tennis court.
It’s all LOVE, LOVE, LOVE….until…it falls apart.
From my seat on the sideline, I’ve seen some games I’d consider great. These are the contests where, win or lose, a hard-fought battle was officiated by a knowledgeable and fair referee, overseen by solid coaches keeping the athletes safe, taken in by adoring parents, and has left all participants healthy and fulfilled.
But, from the same seat on the sidelines, I’m seeing too many of the opposite type of games. Those matches where, by the end, the LOVE that brought us parents to the field has disappeared or, even worse, has turned to rage.
When games fall apart, the symptoms are universal at all levels no matter the sport:
-Coaches screaming – at their team, their opponent, and the game officials.
-Players’ talking trash until nearly fighting the other team, referees, or coaching staff.
-Parents getting sucked into the intensity on the field and being thrown out of the venue or, even worse, being held back from fighting the officials, other team’s players, and/or coaches (at times alongside their son or daughter).
-Officials, frustrated by the over-hyped environment, ratcheting up their efforts to control the game through a dictatorial approach and a poor disposition.
As I’ve seen the frequency of these symptoms on the playing field growing, I have to remind myself of our starting point: LOVE. Huh?
Something isn’t right.
Something is stamping out not only the LOVE that brought us here, but the desire of our loved ones to participate in the first place.
Can us parents help change this trajectory?
The answer for is not to hang more corny signage that encourages fan decorum or advertises a “zero tolerance” policy for players and fans that often lacks in-game enforceability.
No, for me, parents can change the game by sticking to the Three “F’s” of sideline parenting. These are not our teen’s “F” words. They can, though, change the collective energy around the field of play at all levels of sports by sustaining the LOVE that brought all of us – players, coaches, officials, and parents – to the field in the first place.
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“F” #1: Field
Parents, you are positioned off the field for a reason: absent the act of bringing your athlete to the game, there is NOTHING you can do to impact ANYTHING on the field.
NOTHING.
When I set up my chair to watch my daughter take the field, I make sure I’m at the appropriate distance from the sideline. When I claim my spot, I have made it a practice over the last few years to pause to internalize my position adequately away from the action.
I will not be on the field physically; I will not be on the field emotionally. Take notice of the field, and respect your position squarely outside of it.
The “F”ield Rule Motto:
Take your seat, they compete.
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“F” #2: Front
After I’ve taken my spot as a non-participating, non-impactful fan of the game on the sideline, I find my son or daughter. After all, my parenting instinct wants to ensure they are safe and ready to play. When I take time to notice my athlete just before kickoff or tip-off, I think about the front (the second “F”) of their jersey.
Typically, the front side of the jersey with no personal information. It is at this moment on the sideline that I consciously decide to only encourage or admonish anything on the front of the jersey.
That means:
I’m not calling specific names (“Let’s go Lynden!”). Instead, I’m saying things that refer to the team (“Let’s go Blue!”) only.
Rather than calling out anyone by their jersey number on their back, I’m focused only on the team in general.
I’d change a comment like, “Come on #7, you gotta catch that pass!” to something like, “Chargers, let’s help our quarterback. Let’s go!”
Cheering from the front of the jersey places the praise or criticism exactly where it belongs: on the team, not the kid.
Ostracized kids will act out on the field – something that will not end well for their teams, game official, or the parents that contributed.
The “F”ront Rule Motto:
No Me, All Team
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“F” #3: Funk
A parent’s first sentence after a big win (or a tough loss) is critically important to sustaining our kids’ desire to keep playing. Whether you hug your little athlete, dab them up, or go with the old school “high five”, you’ll be sure to smell that nasty, funky odor that is only earned by an afternoon of sweating on the field.
Our first comment is powerful to our kids, teen or toddler so don’t waste it talking about game specifics, things they might want to work on for next time, or patronize them with a hallow compliment.
Instead, embrace the funk emoting from your kid’s jersey and the effort it took to get so nasty, saying something like, “I LOVE seeing you work.”
That’s right – a victory-neutral greeting that focuses on the process to get to the end of the game. This simple sentence honors the drills, the weight room sessions, the practices they’ve endured while mentioning nothing about the “W” or “L” their team just took.
The magic, the growth, the development, the future leadership, the agility needed to adapt in the real world all happens because of the work they will put in – the funk. After the game, we should remind our kids: the funkier, the better!
The “F”unk Rule Motto:
Whiff over Win
When we try to employ these three “F” rules on our sidelines, things, I hope, will start to change around us. Starting from the sidelines, a refreshing aura can spread onto the fields of play – to coaches that are on the bench for the LOVE of their game and their team; to referees who suddenly feel respected and empowered; to communities that will eventually re-purpose the LOVE young athletes have for their sport when they become future local leaders.
We must keep our kids playing to build better communities.
So, enough of the sideline yelling.
Enough of the unnecessary pressure.
Enough of over-emphasizing a win versus a solid week of hard work and training.
The three “F” rules can help keep parents accountable, keep kids playing, and, most importantly, keep the LOVE that brought all of us to the field today be strengthened as we leave – win or lose.
