Nevermind the $80 hoodie my daughter bought.
Nope – the money’s spent.
I promised not to bitch about the airline ticket.
Nope, continuing to complain about the costs of sending my daughter, Vivi, to North Carolina is, as my she would say, “just annoying.”
I’m over it.
Yes, I’m done complaining about the costs of our latest soccer trip, or any of the other CRAZY costs of these amazing sports experiences parents are constantly being asked to buy into. Based on the fun my daughter claims to have had with her teammates during her recent trip, the memory of our money spent is has faded away.
What I clearly remember, though, is that our family was one of the few (if not the only family) that did not want to sending our daughter to this tournament at all. Our rationale was simple: Vivi’s soccer season had been over for a month, we did not want to commit to more practices during summer, and we wanted Vivi to soak in some (well deserved) down time from the sport she loves. I also noted that this tournament would straddle Father’s Day weekend, preventing Vivi from attending a pre-arranged family staycation.
Voting “No” and holding our daughter out was not so simple, though.
One-by-one the other parents on the team (who have become our friends) disagreed with us. Their rationale was centered on the experience we’d be passing up on behalf of our daughters if we elected to sit this tournament out. The girls had earned this opportunity. And, while I disagreed, the other parents weren’t wrong.
Alas, the majority ruled: our girls were IN! The team booked flights, rented cars, and reserved hotels for the five-day showcase in Charlotte, North Carolina.
And, now that a few weeks have passed, I can’t help but take inventory of our first youth sports related airline experience. The other parents were right about one thing: the girls had a great time together. My daughter came back tired and so happy for the time she spent with her teammates. For me, though, reflecting on our handling of this situation quickly became less about who was right and wrong. It was not, also, about anything financial.
I started to feel that us parents were not equipped to try to make these traveling decisions for our kids – that these situations frequently come down to following the heard of parents on our sideline and the athletes we love that, if given the chance, would beg to play anywhere.
When this decision comes to your team’s doorstep, what do you do?
Parents need to be prepared because, if you have kids in sports, these high-priced travel tournaments are coming your way soon! So, before you get blindsided by this “we MUST do this tournament in San Diego” craze, here’s the stages of analysis I’d suggest you walk down:
First, assess of your kids’ team
When you sign up for the “top” team, traveling is part of the deal – there is no way around it.
Lower level teams, though, have choices when considering spending the money (and time) to travel far from home to play. The decision must start with a thorough, coach-led assessment of the merits of playing relative to your teams’ skill level.
When our North Carolina trip was presented, our coaches tried to give parents queues that we should skip this tournament given the state of our team. Note: coaches are walking a fine line between placating needy parents and protecting their team against impending doom. The coach’s opinion has to be weighed 1,000x more than Vivi (or her teammates’) opinions – of course, they’d want to play no matter what.
A few questions that I believe could help parents assess their team’s possible participation:
- What will your squad get out of this (specifically on the field of play)?
- Is the risk of injury heightened if you play (given the time of year, practice time leading up to the event, and/or other conditions outside of our control)?
- What does success look like for our team?
It does no good to travel distances to get killed by better competition – that is not good for the kids, coaches, or parents.
Second, assess the teams your kids will compete against
Parents on Vivi’s team were told that we’d be playing against teams from all over the Southwest US. That seemed to check the box to ensure that, if we decided to travel so far, we’d be facing a level of competition that we wouldn’t have access to otherwise.
The reality, though, was different: we played only two games, both against local teams from Charlotte. While not our fault, this was a far cry from the representation of the entire set of league champions from around the Southwest.
Your team does not control who else is participating in this travel tournament, but the competition you’ll face should be a part of your “go, no-go” decision.
In hindsight, I’d want to have a few questions answered:
- Could we face similar competition in a tournament closer to home?
- Will other competing teams be making the same/similar commitments as we would be asked to?
If your team’s effort to participate is 10x what any other team in the tournament has to do, kindly pass.
Next, an assessment of the off-the-field benefits
Most of the “experience” related highlights for our traveling ballers will come from hanging out together after the games are won or lost – around the hotel pool, chilling in the lobby, or, as my daughter’s team did, playing a game they invented in the hotel fitness room late into the night.
As a parent, this comradery-generating stuff is impossible to put a price on. These times are truly the memories our kids will carry with them for years.
But, wait….
Did we properly assess whether these “experiences” could wait for another similar (or better) opportunity in the future?
This was the question that tipped the scales in favor of participating for our team. Most parents assumed this opportunity may not come around again for our girls. In today’s “pay-to-play” environment, that thinking (IMO) is flat out WRONG. If a team can write a check, a team can find a tournament anywhere.
The age of our participant should factor in here, too. If your athlete is under 10, there NO WAY I’d be taking them on a plane to play (unless you’ve already committed the “top” team). This chance will come back around.
For older kids, the more likely scenario is that the team that has earned the chance to play will part ways before another, similar opportunity would present itself. My daughter is 14 and just entering high school – an inflection point for future participation numbers to dry up. So, in our case, it made sense to say that an opportunity may not come back around or, at minimum, wouldn’t be experienced with the cast of teammates she has grown to love this season.
For older kids on a tenured team, the “go” decision makes most sense. For younger teams that turn over every year, I’d skip the plane rides.
Is participating about the Facebook post or the face looking back?
It is difficult to watch other parents and kids providing such travel experiences for their kids when you don’t (or can’t).
There is a certain online competitiveness to all of this excessive, expensive travel that parents should acknowledge and try to quickly dispel. Before you decide to do anything, parents should check any ego associated with their kids’ athletic prowess at the door.
Jumping on a plane for an 8 year-old’s game should not be a source of pride (or shame if you elect to pass this time around). The Facebook post does not matter if the face looking back at you has tears in their eyes.
Whether you take my advice or not, if you have kids playing sports (or dancing, or cheering, or deep in the arts), the issue of attending competitions in distant places will impact you.
Maybe this framework helps.
Or, maybe I’m just a cheapskate saying one thing and doing another.
Maybe I’m just hoping that seeing my daughter smile in her new, $80 hoodie will soften the blow from the dent its logo put in my wallet.
I’m guilty of it all – and over it all the same.
