None of my kids – from my kindergartener to my high school sophomore – avoided the horror of the Robb Elementary School shooting two weeks ago. Each sat by me, watched the news, and deciphered the awful reality of 19 students and 2 teachers dying for no reason. My kids each processed the images differently. They collectively, though, looked to my wife and I for comfort.
Every parent handles these conversations uniquely. And, every parent is now on the front lines of trying to protect our children from these terrible attacks.
Below are the questions my kids posed and the responses I provided. If you’ve had similar discussions and would like to share, use the comments box below to share your thoughts.
Why does this happen, Dad?
My older children have (unfortunately) seen this type of violence dot news headlines before. They seem to understand that these acts reside at the intersection of many unfortunate circumstances – mental illness, anger, control, vengeance, hate, fear, access to firearms, suicidal feelings, attention seeking, etc. – just to name a few that have come to their minds.
The question of why mass shootings happen for little ones, though, is as important as difficult to answer. Littles kids (like my elementary school-aged ones) think in straight lines – “X” happened as a result of “Y”. Explaining something complicated to young kids, at least for me, boils down honesty and simplicity.
“There is not one thing that caused this – there are a bunch of reasons – one of which makes any sense for doing such an awful thing to anyone.”
I can’t make sense of these things so I don’t try to when my kids ask. Rather, I join them in disgust and confusion. They should feel deeply frustrated by my inability to definitively answer a very simple question – as pissed as I am for them having to ask it.
Guns and kids – safer to know or ignorance is bliss?
My kids know very little about guns. We don’t own any, but all of my children have been around gun owning households within our extended family. Whether or not we should own a gun for personal protection has been a disagreement with my wife and I over the years.
I used to think that our relative firearm ignorance was a good thing. If guns make all situations worse, I’d tell myself, why subject ourselves to them electively?
Watching my kids take in the news from Uvalde, though, has me re-thinking that logic.
Do my kids feel completely safe given the absence of my ability to protect my family from an armed assailant? They may well say “no.”
As we spoke about this, two subjects came up amongst us: (1) gun control, and, (2) how’d our household handle a situation facing a firearm.
I find it important that our kids – no matter their age – understand why gun control is such a hot button issue in this country. My children should be informed about the constitutional (and political) vines that are impossible to separate from this major social issue.
While they don’t yet have a political dog in the fight, it seems clear to me that they understand how my generation’s politicians have failed to do much of anything to make them safer from these crimes. Gun control will be their issue to fix. The solution, I believe, will only be formed via negotiating to the middle of very polarized views with the safety of our children in mind.
Away from the political, my kids wanted to talk about how my wife and I would protect them in a similar circumstance. The unfortunate reality that I shared was that I was not completely sure. If an armed robber is crazy enough to break into our home with a gun we are at their mercy until authorities arrive.
I used to believe that such a circumstance was so unlikely that I was taking the safer, more conservative path of least resistance by forbidding guns in the house. Looking from left to right at my kids’ faces, though, I am torn up. Failing them in that awful (albeit unlikely) situation would be unrecoverable and inexcusable if I understood options existed.
I shared my consternation about the issue with them.
Are we safe at school?
The day after the shooting in Uvalde, we were greeted by a police presence in the car line at school. That fact was not lost on my kids.
“I bet it’s because those kids died in Texas, Dad,” Everett, my third grader confirmed his understanding of the need for additional security. I shallowed hard when I said goodbye to the kids that morning. I don’t remember such a presence after Sandy Hook.
The unanswered question that all of us were contemplating that night was: are our schools safe? My kids wanted to know.
My answer is yes – full stop.
Schools are safer than many of the unlocked, open-to-all places that we frequent. These mass shootings, while heinous, are extremely unlikely. As a parent, though, relying on hope (or luck) is not good enough. My kids, based on their reactions to the news of the shooting in Texas, are also growing impatient with the political bickering that bogs down any progress to keep them safer from guns that have fallen into the wrong hands.
They want us – parents, school leadership, communities – to do something.
SOMETHING.
Now what?
School is not voluntary in my house – my kids will go. My first job is to assure each of my kids that the schools they attend are safe and staffed by well-trained staff that have their best interests in mind. I do truly believe that.
Each of our schools have locked doors, a full-time security officer, and participate in multiple “active assailant drills” conducted by the local police force a few times per year. Our school uses the “Run-Hide-Fight” protocol that each of our children seems to understand and take seriously.
All that said, though, there is room to get better.
First, all schools should have locked doors and security. This is a complete 360-degree change in the opinion I had a few years ago. I used to think schools were community centers whose fences should come down. Unfortunately, that cannot be.
Next, some more politically familiar must tell me why NOTHING can be done immediately.
Like, how about giving municipalities the power to enact policies and procedures that they deem prudent to keep our gathering places safe. Let the community and its citizens decide what safe looks like.
If gun-toting Texans want to have teachers armed at school and ten armed guards at the door, they can, if agreed. If more gun-averse geographies choose to allocate more dollars to mental health issues and appropriate social media usage by young people, that is fine, too. If metal detectors and other technology can be used to locate firearms around public places more real time, citizens should be empowered to push for its implementation.
No matter what is next, my kids and I share the same sentiment that nothing will get done via the national politicians (on either side) soon enough to avoid the next Uvalde.
Micro-Steps
We aren’t completely powerless – parents or our kids. Let’s do what my kids talked about – SOMETHING. Let’s have our children see that SOMETHING firsthand – in our own schools, with other parents who are feeling the same gut-punch when they drop their innocent kids off to a team of adults that care for them in our absence. We can each vote for the candidates that align to the same view of what safety looks like, and openly (and civilly) debate the actions we each feel keep our kids safe 100% of the time.
I can make sure the school has the right leadership in place that demands accountability for responding to issues – small, large, or potentially catastrophic.
Let’s talk with our kids about how others are behaving around school – and make them talk back! As we do so, I want to help my kids better diagnose, befriend, and help struggling students. Or, if they are struggling, my kids need to feel comfortable enough to have someone else at school work to lift their spirits.
Some of our power can be harnessed collectively as a community of keyed in parents. Parents must band together to help monitor the social media activities or our kids and their classmates. Please, if Vivi (my newest teenager) posts a hateful, dark, suspicious message on Instagram, let me know. I won’t be mad. I’d like to know the real scoop. And, trust me, I’ll reciprocate if your son does something askew.
These little micro-steps can all add up.
Or, they don’t and parents are left with (at best) relief for having dodging a tragedy in our own lives, or (at worst) pondering “should’ve” and “could’ve” as kids in our communities are memorialized two days after making fourth grade Honor Roll.
I don’t shield my kids from the horror of the Uvalde, Texas massacre because I am a tiny part of a solution.
So are they.
So are we.
So are you.
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