Emersyn, our kindergartener (and fifth of five), doesn’t want to do anything.
Not sports.
Tee ball? No.
Gymnastics? Nope.
Soccer? Meh.
Not only does is she resistant to participating in sports, she keep shooting down my non-sports suggestions, too.
Theater? No.
Piano (or any instrument)? Nope.
Art classes? Forget it.
This is unchartered territory for our family. Each of the other kids dove right in to any and all activities we signed them up for – from swimming to drama to soccer. No matter the sport, they each seemed to love each moment of playing with other neighborhood kids in just about anything.
Not Emersyn.
Is something wrong?
I just don’t get it.
Before making this a big deal and forcing Emersyn to play something, I take a look at the research associated with participating in sports at early ages from The Aspen Institute, claiming that physically active children are:
- 1/10th as likely to be obese
- achieve 40% higher test scores in school
- are less likely to smoke and use drugs in adolescence
- 15% more likely to go to college
Well, I guess that being a part of activities matters. Gulp. These types of facts, can create a frantic parent, thinking, ‘I cannot raise a fat junkie that won’t go to college!’
I’m a parent of five, though, so I am far more steadfast. I know that I’ll have to find something that our little Emersyn will adore, even if she does not realize it yet.
Making decisions that impact another, even if the “another” is our child who is 100% reliant on us for survival, feels strange. If my decision works and she loves recreational soccer (or dance or swimming), I’m a genius. If she hates the tumbling class I register her for, it’s my fault.
So is parenting, I guess.
I find these types of conundrums to be the most interesting and most divisive issues in parenting – and, most times, a good leading indicator of the type of activity-parent you might become.
As I thought about making a decision on Emersyn’s behalf, I thought about the type of parent I am – and how that plays out as I support my kid in that selected activity.
Which category are you?
Are you a ‘Whatever’-er?
If you fall into this category of parent when it comes to deciding on activities for your young kids, you may not have a decision to make at all. You may, simply, wait until they show an interest and react accordingly.
You certainly won’t be stressing about getting your little one signed up because you’re losing sight of the parenting peloton two seasons in front you. When your kid shows an affinity to join a team, these kids will be joining so by choice, not shoved into an uncomfortable situation on a field of play they may have no initial interest to be on.
I respect these parents a lot, but I’m not one of them.
Are you a ‘Convenience’-er?
With a larger family, the choices I make for Emersyn’s activities often tip in one direction based on convenience for the logistical demands of the activity. Frankly, the time I am required to devote to Emersyn’s early success or failures in activities must fit into a tight timeframe, take place at a nearby location, and/or run simultaneously with the activity of a sibling.
As I type, I’m realizing that a ‘Convenience’-er is destined to sign their little ones up for activities older siblings are/have participating in. That feels a bit biased and unfair for a kid that might want nothing to do with the sport where they have to spend/have spent every Saturday morning watching their sibling perform.
I fall into this category and tend to feel badly about it.
My wife and I often have candid conversations about biting off more familial inconvenience so that Emersyn might have a different activity experience than her older brothers and sisters. And, while we try our best, the realities of a big, busy family often leave us feeling like being a pragmatic, ‘Convenience’-er might short change Emersyn’s unique spirit.
Are you an ‘Always wanted to do that’-er?
I know parents that intentionally register their indifferent child for activities they wanted to do. As I’ve aged, I kick myself for having avoided non-sports pursuits like learning an instrument or attempting to master another language. Those are skills that I’d LOVE to have – so might Emersyn feel the same?
Selecting an activity for your little ones based on a parent’s own unfulfilled, personal desire is something I actively try to avoid. While we’re making the initial decision to register on their behalf, the activity is about them – not me.
Every time I even tip-toe on down this path, I stop – or try to muster the courage to make the time to try something new myself.
Are you an ‘Oh no, not that’-er?
I remember walking into my oldest son’s first swim meet. We had nothing with us, except Emersyn in a stroller, a few bucks, and three elementary school kids all starting the “I’m bored” discussions. During that four-hour swim meet, my son performed for about sixty total seconds. We were unprepared and the day was, alas, brutal.
At the end of the summer, when starting to steer Emersyn’s activities decision, the swim team came up. I fought hard to not let my only swim meet experience cloud my energy for her possible registration. In fact, the swim team was convenient, taught great life skills, and checked each of the boxes. I must say, though, when Emersyn quietly refused, saying, “I don’t want to – I’m a good swimmer already”, I didn’t mind.
Are you an ‘All-State’-er?
If I had a dollar for every dad or mom that told me about their collegiate athletic successes, I’d be rich.
At every soccer pitch, cheer competition, gymnastics meet, and theater production, there, in my estimation, are numerous parents all too ready to gush about their All-State senior year, or the unfortunate injury that prematurely ended their post-high school playing days.
Whether or not the stories are true, I file the ‘All-State’-er parents, those that register for the sport they’ve previously starred in, in two categories.
First, the parents that you can tell are REALLY, LEGIT players typically play it pretty cool as their children find their feet in an activity. They have been there and done that at high levels. They understand that most 8-year-olds are not going to make a living doing what they’re doing for an hour on Saturday morning.
The second category, though, draws my concern. Those parents that were good at a particular activity in the past and and expect there child to be better. You might be able to diagnose these parents on the sidelines as those comparing their personal athletic triumphs to their own child’s.
I’ve never been good at a sport so I’d implore those that have to be careful about the pressure they apply to their little ones when making decisions for their activity choices on their behalf.
So, I’ve diagnosed myself as a ‘Convenienc-er’, now what?
Coming back to Emersyn, at the heart of our decision is that we want her to experience social activities with others that she owns. Note, she might not own the selection of the activity, but her time on the field, pitch, or stage will be her own without any distraction from her siblings.
It’s not about me – at all.
For once, Emersyn wouldn’t be toted around like a cooler from field to field to watch her older siblings.
Maybe Emersyn will find something she loves.
And, maybe she won’t.
I’ll try to be open-minded when placing her in activities while acknowledging the need to be practical at the same time. We’ll try to help her along the way as best that we can. No matter the type of parent you are, that should be enough.
I’ll save the all-state stories and the humble brags about winning my 8th grade geography bee.
Emersyn can do what she wants. Well, as long it is between 4 pm and 5:30 on Tuesday.
