WTR: Boys and Sex by Peggy Orenstein

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WTR (What’s Toby Reading)? provides unsolicited and unsponsored (I don’t get paid) opinions of books I have recently finished.

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Parents of tweens and teens, try this: say these words into a mirror-

(1) Penis

(2) Vagina

(3) Masturbation

(4) Pornography

(5) Hook-Ups

Did you laugh? Did you get weirded out?

Did you stammer through, imagining saying those words to your teenage son or daughter?

I blushed.

I regrouped.

I laughed.

And, I reassured myself that struggling through those words is, at least, better than my dad’s (non-existent) attempt back when. My dad didn’t ever mention sex to me. So, how might I teach my son? I looked for help, and found it in Peggy Orenstein’s Boys and Sex.

This book, though, will not tell you how to initiate “the talk” because, as Orenstein explains throughout, an on-going dialogue is needed with our hormone-buzzed, not-so-little-anymore kids – not just a one-and-done tell all.

If, like me, the thought of talking about sex to your teenage boy has you heading for another cold beer rather than knocking on their bedroom door, this book is an absolute must-read.

Parents have an idea and no idea simultaneously

As our boys reach middle school and early high school, we all assume they are becoming more than simply curious about sex. With my friend group, we jokingly chat about such topics. Usually these chats involve the dads starting with, “Man, I hope he’s not like me.” Our wives typically begin with a laugh and, “Oh my God. I made a bunch of bad decisions back then.”

That’s about it. We laugh together, feel confirmed in our surface-level naivety, and move quickly onward to a less taboo topic.

Sex amongst our boys is virtually never addressed directly. It’s like we know sex is around, but believe it is in the offing – a topic for another day. And, since we’ve raised our kids to be respectful, we assume they are equipped to do the right thing, to treat a partner well, and to always to use protection.

I haven’t actually really talked to by teenager (he’s 15) about the topic without interruption. I’ve made a few passing mentions that make me feel a bit better, but that’s about it.

Boys and Sex clearly tells me that if parents have the idea about their child, boy or girl, experiencing with sex, we should damn well have demystified it well before.

Consent isn’t flirting

One topic I hadn’t thought much of was the concept of mutual consent in a sexual encounter. I figured that a boy knows if a girl wants to go all the way. Right? I mean, isn’t that obvious if we’ve raised well-behaved, young men?

Not so.

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The stickiest story in Orenstein’s book was one of two college-agers who had a sexual encounter. Their encounter was only later understood (by both the male and female involved) as a nonconsensual rape. My own condensed version of the story:

At a frat party, a drunk young man began making out with a student he’d previously tried to hook up with. The female had previously rebuked his overtures. They kissed and, as he tried to advance the action, she recoiled on numerous occasions. He coerced the young lady into a bedroom, kept going, and put her on the defensive – ultimately spending the night with each other. The young woman was tormented about the encounter and later confronted the man. He felt awful. He assumed the sex was consensual. It wasn’t. Both young people were never truly the same.

This story illustrates the importance of our kids giving and receiving consent from their sexual partners. There is no gray space here. Consent is not flirting and our boys should learn that clearly.

Talk to boys about sex before they are watching PORN in the backseat of the minivan

As I read through the nearly two years of interviews Peggy Orenstein had conducted for the book, she often cited each of the boys’ regret about being inadequately prepared for healthy sexual relationships when they became sexually active.

Who taught these guys about sex? PORN.

Boys and girls are taking a self-directed class about sex is by watching the crazy, unrealistic world of internet sex. A teen’s unending bond with their phone has them watching pornography on-demand, whenever they have idle time. Even worse, they think that porn sex is what their partners will want and need.

Many of the boys in Boys and Sex end up scared, conflicted, and self-conscious about sex after watching porn teaches them how. Boys can be overly-aggressive (and downright rough) with their partners for no other reason than having watched such behaviors on PornHub in the absence of a dialogue with their parents.

We cannot allow porn to teach our kids about sex.

You HAVE to talk with boys about….

If you want to talk to your kids, but do not have time to read Peggy’s Orenstein’s entire masterpiece, there are some “must’s” listed for parents near the conclusion.

Some of my favorites include:

Not “The talk” – have “habitual, often casual conversations” about sex. Have an open, honest, frequent dialogue and not a one-night-only monologue.
Drill home the concept of consent. In every encounter our boys must ask for consent and be willing to stop if it is not granted.
Ethical sex. Orenstein writes, “…consent is what makes sex legal, but it doesn’t make sex ethical, and it doesn’t make sex good.”
Sex isn’t only intercourse. Broaden the definition of sexual behaviors to your son/daughter. Parents should capture all sexual activities (ie: masturbation, foreplay, hooking up, etc.) amongst all groups of people (ie: straight, gay, etc.) when talking about sex to their kids.
Talk about porn. My major learning in the book: my kids ARE watching porn, talking about it with friends, and taking mental notes. I cannot put my head in the sand on this one. While Orenstein stops short of recommendations for “good” porn sites, the need to help our kids navigate the access they have to sex via their phones and social media is clear.
Be cautious of fraternity life. The first chapter of Boys and Sex is called, “Welcome to Dick School”, introducing the reader to a party culture that runs rampant on college campuses. This appears heightened in fraternities and sororities – not just an “Animal House” stereotype. So, if you kids are going to be part of the Greek system at college, beware and be vigilant in preparing them.

My confidence, now fortified by having read Boys and Sex, had me, again, standing in front of the mirror repeating quietly:

(1) Penis.

Easy.

(2) Vagina.

Check.

(3) Masturbation.

Ahem.

(4) Pornography.

Done.

(5) Hook-Ups.

Oh God, he’s only fifteen! Damn it.

I took a deep breath, and re-grouped to start again.