Son, as you leave elementary do one thing for me: Don’t be a middle school schmuck!

To my sweet 5th grader as you graduate from elementary school,

You’ve had a good run through elementary school and I’m proud of all you’ve accomplished.

But, my boy, you’re off to middle school and I’m struggling to fight the urge to think ahead to what the next few years will bring us.

The truth is, son, my hope for you today is simple – that you don’t turn into a middle school schmuck.

The world will seem to come at you quickly now – a new era of girls and phones await. Chasing a crush around the school yard is a thing of the past – no recess anymore. No, now you’ll be photo-bombing your crush’s duck-face selfies destined for Instagram.

Regrettably, the phone that, to-date, has been an occasional rendezvous for games and a medium for parent check-ins, will become a vault of your deepest secrets, the bulletin board for all school gossip and the first thing we’ll take when you overstep.

I’ll be checking your phone, don’t forget, to ensure you’re not a middle school schmuck.

My 2019 elementary school graduate, Lynden.

It’s not only the middle school changes spawned by girls and phones, the boys around you will change, too. Boys in middle school, you see, can be cruel – jockeying for position on the top of whatever pile, to them, symbolizes popularity. Now, more than ever, when you find those few, great friends please keep them close.

Recognize true friends whose company prevent you from becoming a middle school schmuck.

Academics, too, will introduce new worlds and new topics – like foreign language and Computing for Business. I hope you take all that new access in. Classes will be different, son, not only in content but accountability. You’re in charge of your daily planner and teachers may not know you from the crowd of the other seven classes they’ll be lecturing each day.

Son, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to stand out in the crowd of middle school schmucks.

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In middle school, kid, there are no more “Donuts with Dad” or “Muffins with Mom” events. No, these lighthearted sessions have been replaced with seminars about heavier things we should talk about – like Vapes and STD’s. These topics scare me – and I hope you, too.

Oh my god, don’t have us be the cautionary tale during one of these sessions of how to raise a middle school schmuck.

Photo Credit: Concordia University (Portland)

Middle school allows for more autonomy though, kid. I hate that, you’ll love it. I won’t be picking up or dropping you off anymore. Getting home is your responsibility now. Please son, do it safely, I beg you.

It’s only a mile so please wear your bike helmet – or you’ll be a careless, middle school schmuck.

So, well done, my boy, the future for you is bright. But, before you put elementary completely in the rear-view, I’ll ask a small favor.

Please give me the summer – just a few more months – to savor this moment. Let’s keep life simple, for now – all that freedom can wait.

Just a few more months where you stay my little guy. No phone, no YouTube, no dreaming of girls, no “I want those shoes so I’m cool, please.”

You might be ready, but I’m just not. After all, I just don’t think our house can handle a middle school schmuck.

Love,

Dad

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